Gettysburg

Four score and seven years ago
I defeated my midwife in
A blindfolded knife-fight.
I am a phiillanderer, a lothario,
And a lover of fine teas.
My people call me Honest Abe;
My friends call me just Abe;
My mother dressed me like a girl
And called me Ernestine.
I was not born in a log cabin,
But in the unforgiving jungles
Of Nicaragua.
Now I am in a great Civil War,
Testing with copious amounts of litmus paper
Wether lemons on a sunny day
Can long endure.
But, in a larger sense, we
Can not dedicate -- nor educate --
Packs of wild dogs
To these brave men.
Having perused countless charts
And graphs I decree that
This nation, under God for
Political reasons but geographically
Under Canada, shall have a new
Birth of delicious club-style sandwiches
Made of the people, by the people,
And for the people,
Never to perish (by way of sodium benzoate.)