Haibun

Born into Christianity, I went along with it. I went to church and faked attention while the preacher droned on about Jesus and God mouthed the words during hymns, just like any other kid. I am not sure I even knew what I was doing. My young mind went with the flow. I did not know of many other religions.

Raised of one belief
Letting it carry me far
One in ignorance

Religion is lost
The purpose does not make sense
What should I do now?

As I grew older, I in a sense lost my religion. Everything about Christianity stopped making sense to me. I questioned the principles, I questioned Jesus, I even questioned God, and I couldn’t help it. Church was now uncomfortable. I couldn’t stop questioning what I was hearing coming out of the minister’s mouth, and I felt like God, if there was one, would punish me. Friends were distressed as I argued my disbeliefs, and was returned with expressions of disbelief. One of my friends even cried because she could not make me Christian. Others were just involved in heated arguments over the truths of religion. Not just my faith, but half of my world fell apart. I was in the dark, alone and confused in being agnostic.

I soon discovered options. I discovered a forbidden magic, barred by most others of faith. Wicca was my secret escape. I got spell books, used them, and enjoyed my new belief, though I did not believe it with my whole heart. With spells, I felt like I could fulfill my own wished. I was not granted permission to light candles, and I could not yet get my hands on incense. I tried spells without them, chanting incantations and wishing, wanting, hoping they would work. Learning a lot as I went, I tried to keep it up. Websites and books were helpful, and I felt close to a good faith. Then I went through periods of believing and thinking it was nonsense, which left me in a dark cave, continuing to feel my way along its vast tunnels.

Magic encircles
Spell books are purchased and used
I accept Wicca

After some time I realized I liked a feeling of belonging. I wanted the satisfaction of sharing a belief with others that I knew. Logan, a friend of mine, aided me in making a compromise. A combination, if you will. We decided to mix Wicca and Christianity. After thinking up many possible names for this, we went with Chwicca. I sounded cool and it fit our purpose. We made a clan journal and did research. We had the whole thing planned out.

Along with a friend
I create a new combo
Chwicca is our book

Later, Logan bailed out. She wasn’t comfortable being involved in something like Wicca that her saint of a mother wouldn’t approve of. I wasn’t so sure of my path now either. With Logan gone, I was now the only one I knew of that faith. The sense of belonging was gone, and I wasn’t sure I could get it back with Wicca. I commenced research of some other religions. It wasn’t the most comforting step in my journey. I like to have something I can always count on, and for most people, that thing is their faith. I had no such thing to rely on, but it was worth looking for.

I yearn to belong
To a sect with a purpose
I research, not find

I then followed a road towards Buddhism. My father, me tagging reluctantly along, asked a Buddhist monk in a bookstore how to choose a religion. He gave a long answer, highlighting that it was great I wanted a faith, but not to pick too hastily. He also picked out a book for me, a biography of the Dalai Lama. I never read it, but I was inspired still by this Indian-born faith. It held some good morals and values. The Eightfold Path for instance, was a basic set of rules for life that appeals to me. Like the “Do not gossip” part of the path. I have dealt with mean people and gossip, and the thought of it finally being shamed by something bigger than us, like a faith, made me very happy. Buddhism also noted that life is suffering. I knew this was for sure, but did Christianity truly point it out so blatantly? No, it really didn’t. This faith made more sense to me, but noted that nothing was for sure. I liked that possibility that anything could be right.

Buddhist monk explains
I must choose my own life’s path
Buddha enlightens

I pulled back from any religion now. I wished only to reassure myself of my own beliefs. Particularly, I was interested in reincarnation. It fascinated me. I had done research, but nothing could surpass the truths of a romance novel titled Reincarnation. It made me realize it had to be true. In the story, the main characters were always reincarnated near one another. From prehistory on up, people were keeping them apart. Until modern day, they couldn’t be together. Everything about the book made sense. Of course they would end up together! Of course they would be allowed back on Earth! This story made me think that reincarnation had to be real. If there was a god, he would put you back on this Earth as many times as needed to learn what you needed about life. Finally something made sense. I knew this was true.

Never religious
But the story made me realize
Reincarnation

World of all beliefs
Trying to find my own way
Faith I will find it soon

After all I have been through, most people would think I had found a sanctuary, a religion, a faith to call my own. Sorry to disappoint, especially myself. I have claimed some religious “facts” and relinquished my hold on any others. I am still on this journey, this religious pilgrimage of my mind. Maybe one day, I will choose a faith. Maybe I will just wait, and find out when I cease to exist on this Earth, like I always said I would. Whatever the outcome, it is a journey worth taking.