I stood on the edge, waiting. I was hoping that someone would come over here so that I didn’t have to leave my safe spot on the wall. I was too afraid even to take a single step until I knew that someone was there to take me away from here.
When I came to school I had expected the worst. Years of watching t.v. had fueled my overactive imagination. It wasn’t all that bad really but I was still scared out of my wits.
Lonely green ivy,
Standing on the tall brick wall,
Don’t be afraid to fall.
Spring break, my first, was now over. We were moving into the summer months. I didn’t know why but all of the people that had befriended me had started to leave me for others more and more often. Once again I was left on my own.
Beautiful flowers,
Budding anew in the spring,
But summer brings death.
Finally in the fall, my friends began to include me again. I was very wary though, now that I know what they do. I am so watchful for a sign of danger that I tire greatly. I had trouble sleeping from this point on. One of my friends asked me to cut class with her. I refused and then neither she nor her friends will talk to me anymore.
Lonely tree, standing still,
Why do you not join them,
In their deadly games?
Eventually I began to notice a pattern in the way people behave. Hannah only hangs out with Tori. Megan, Amber, and Lily all sit together at lunch. Cliques. They all tried out new kids and if they didn’t fit in, the new kid was tossed aside like rubbish.
For do we all know?
All in this world are alone,
Even in their cliques.
I was exhausted. Almost to tired to move. I avoided my parents as much as possible and I was ignored by everyone in school except for one girl. It shames me to say it but I tried to push her away many times. I figured if everyone else stayed away from me maybe I deserved it. Maybe there was something wrong with me.
Sun beats down on me,
Burning my forsaken flesh,
What is my purpose?
My grades were suffering as we moved back into spring. I no longer cared. My parents never noticed what I was subconsciously tried to tell them every day. I was invisible to everyone at school, even the teachers. I was afraid of light. I thought that if I was touched by it, God would strike me down. Instead it seemed like he was ignoring me too. Pain was the only thing that made me feel better emotionally. I never self-mutilated myself but I did seek out ways to hurt physically.
Forever in blue,
Grey skies never enough,
Pain is my solace.
Saturday comes. I can’t move. I was so tired of everything in my life. My mom comes in with a Harry Potter book and lays down beside me. We read to each other. I decide to try harder to connect and reach out to people if only for her sake.
Fledgling bird, in her nest,
Mother comes home just to rest,
Snuggle beside her.
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